My boyfriend taught me how to be a loser. Not “loser” as in a deadbeat, good-for-nothing, layabout. “Loser” as in, being able to lose at a game or not get first place in an event without feeling completely worthless, deciding I’m no good at whatever the activity is, and quitting. Real black-and-white thinking. I’m a very competitive person. I spent probably the first 20 years or so of my life trying to hide this attribute, which I found incredibly shameful when I was young: you weren’t supposed to brag. That was rude. It was BAD.

But, at the same time, you were supposed to be THE BEST at everything you endeavored. You just couldn’t let anyone know that you wanted to be the best. I’d quit things when they got too hard or I plateaued and became bored or frustrated. I didn’t speak up when I wanted a leadership role, because I wanted to be noticed and chosen, and not look like I wanted it. I wasted a lot of energy and opportunities being afraid that if I wasn’t recognized as the best at something, I must have no aptitude for it, and therefore, it was no longer worth doing.

My boyfriend is, in general, a better-adjusted human being. When I learned he was a fairly avid video game player, I assumed he was a top player in every game he played. He’s a smart guy, and he’s passionate about games and plays them a lot, so he must be incredibly talented at playing. In reality, while he’s a really good player at some games, he wouldn’t call himself a pro at most. He plays them because he enjoys them, and also because he gets a drive to be better each time he plays. He’s doing it for fun. He doesn’t expect himself to be the best player right away, or even ever.

The first time my boyfriend and I went to an arcade together, I hadn’t really been to arcades as an adult, so I was pretty hopeless at most of the games, but he was supportive and not too hard on me (that time!). Each time we returned, I tried to improve on games I had sucked at during our previous visit. I’d get frustrated time and time again, when my brain would come up with strategies, but my fingers couldn’t do the walking. But by practicing on certain games, over time I found that I could sometimes win on some of the games, making me realize that progress is possible, and that we all win some and lose some.